I recently read this article written by a lovely blogger about being a Superwoman!

I love what she had to say and I think we should all have a greater discussion about this.

Dear Superwoman,

Have you taken a breath today? I mean really, truly, stopped and just focused on breathing? No? I figured. Do it now for me. Inhale deep and slowly exhale. Feels good, right? Now I want you to listen very closely. I’m going to say things you don’t want to hear. But you need to.

Perfection. It is a word you’ve so desperately strive for all the time. You’ve carefully set so many things into motion and if everything goes according to plan, it all works out. But, what if it doesn’t? Do you know how to be okay not being perfect? Have you learned your limits yet? Have you learned when to say when? When to say no?

I didn’t think so. Because I’m her too. And when the waves beat against the ship too hard, I don’t turn around and retrace my steps like I should. I don’t find that easier path. I continue on, feeling the burden of my choices, of handling too much, and pray to God that I don’t end up washed ashore. And I know you are right there with me.

When was the last time you did something for yourself? When was the last time you relaxed? Did you always feel the need to be this way? When did you become the person who puts too much on her shoulders, who says yes to everything? When did you stop thinking of your own well-being?

It’s okay to ask for help. It’s a scary thought, not being all you hoped you could be. I know. But asking for help, and accepting that help, is just as hard as going at it alone. You weren’t made to be a superhero.

A few months ago, I was in a development session with my mentor at work, telling her about how overwhelmed I was when I learned my mom’s cancer came back while I was taking on multiple projects at work and she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to let go of the Superwoman complex.” I didn’t understand her at first, but the more she spoke, the more I realized that she was right. “You can’t be one hundred percent all the time. You can’t expect to be perfect. You have to take care of yourself before you take care of everyone else.”

She was right. Being superwoman has negative effects on your mental and emotional health. How are you supposed to help others when you’re barely holding it together? You just can’t. You have to be brave, and bold, and say, “No. I can’t help you with that,” and “I’d love to but I don’t have capacity for that,” and, most importantly, you have to learn to say “I’m having a hard time. I could use some help,” and then actually let them help you.

You can be Superwoman sometimes. You can be the girl who can conquer anything. But don’t let the fear of not being perfect, keep you from taking care of yourself. You can’t do it all. And that’s okay.

Sincerely,
The girl who thought she was Superwoman, too

 I agree with so much she said here… but what’s missing? What’s the next level deeper to this conversation? Why do you feel like you have to be a Superwoman?

You see, this only skims across the top. It’s great that you recognize that you’re trying to be Superwoman. That’s a good first step in the right direction. It’s also great that you might have just allowed yourself a few seconds to breathe in. Or maybe you read that and said “I should go do something for myself”. Yeah for you! Those are all great take aways from this.

But let’s dig a little deeper! Let’s ask the unasked question. WHY?

Why are you trying to be Superwoman? Really think about it. Where does the idea that we have to be Superwoman come from? That question is the greater one here.

For me the Superwoman complex creeps up when I feel intensely afraid to disappoint others. My boss, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my children, or anyone that has the ability to judge me. I work diligently to hold all the balls in the air because I’m so afraid that if I drop one I’ll disappoint someone I never wanted to disappoint. I set this standard for myself. A level of expectation that forces me to ascertain these super human powers. But… I’m not a super human.

I make things pretty. It’s what I do. To me there is nothing more exciting than setting a table for the holidays that’s beautiful and makes people say wow! There’s a part of me that LOVES doing this. But I created a monster for myself. Now when the holidays roll around and it’s time to have the extended family over, I’m not excited about getting to spend time with them… I’m running around to store after store trying to find the perfect tablecloth, accent plates, and little favor jars. I spend an unnecessary amount of money on my hospitality ventures. I own more pretty plates and appetizer stands than a person really ever needs. But now when you come to my house you have a certain level of expectation of me. Right? (Well maybe you don’t. Maybe I have that expectation of myself!) As a result, now I dread having people over. I dread the idea that if the table, or the food, or the favor isn’t as pretty as last years, they’re going to feel disappointment of some kind. Or they’ll think I didn’t have myself together enough to make their holiday special.

I know it’s all in my head! I know that! I know that no one really cares that the appetizers for the committee meeting have the perfectly paired crackers. I know that the other theatre mom’s are more worried about their own problems than they really are about judging mine. I know that in my head! We all know we’re a little crazy in the head! But somehow we don’t let it sink down into our hearts and souls. That’s the part of us that makes us trudge uphill everyday to meet our own super human expectations of self.

Now let’s add onto that our connected lives. We basically carry around with us little pocket sized discouragers (it’s a word now… go with it). We click on our social media to see that Suzy who has 5 kids and a full time job got up at 5 and went to the gym, then she got dressed in her sexy but professional outfit and went to work, then came home and cooked a gourmet fresh food dinner, and ended the night by posting some “encouraging” quote about how great her day had been! On the other hand you woke up at 5 too and told yourself to go work out but didn’t. You had the energy to schlep on your fat pants and then scrounged up mac and cheese with fish sticks for dinner. You might post something encouraging at the end of the night but only because you’d rather do that than post about your “real” day! We’ll just add that day to the unmentionables pile.

But as she says… that’s when we feel the waves hitting against the boat… but wait. Let’s think about that some more. Where do those waves come from? Why do we feel like we’re always about to drown? It’s our expectation of ourselves that is causing the turbulence! We’re our own worst enemy! I sabotage my own feelings of personal success. Ouch!

So what would happen really if we disappointed someone? Like seriously. What would blow up? What if I forgot to put the sweet note in my kids lunch? What if my husband had to wait for sex? What if the committee didn’t get a fancy appetizer? What if I say no to the PTA request sitting in my inbox? What then?

How do we restructure our approach to disappointing others? How do we change the expectation we have of ourselves?

I think the answer to this question is different for everyone. For me, if I would allow myself the grace I give to others I wouldn’t be so hard on myself. When I show up to someone’s home for dinner I don’t expect a perfectly set table! When I talk with another mom I don’t expect her to have been to the gym at 5 am! When my children disappoint me I reach out to them with forgiveness immediately! When my husband made an error in the work place I didn’t judge him, I embraced him.

Why can I give that to others and not myself? I can. We all can. I can go out of the house without makeup and still feel beautiful. That’s a choice I can make. I can allow myself to NOT feel like a failure because I wore my fat pants today. I can say NO to the PTA email and let it go. I choose those emotions. I take them on.

So let’s try this together. Let’s unite as women and say a big fat NO! I’m sorry if I disappoint you but….! I do not need to be a superwoman! I do not WANT to be a superwoman. I am NEVER going to be a superwoman! And that’s just fine with me!

#sonottogether